What’s the Rush?

Slow down; love is on its way. But before it arrives, have you learned your lessons?

In the age of Twitter debates on whether or not women court men, it shows the ignorance of the opposite sex. While showering their significant other of the moment with a lavish gift, the average woman questions her worth according to her lack of gifts and labels their relationship as goals. In an age of self-empowerment and authenticity, it’s disheartening to read these declarations for love disguised as a pick me.

The sight of Bentley trucks often triggers many while they are supposed to be okay with the bare minimum. Now, I wouldn’t mind a Chanel bag as a “just because gift,” but I also ask myself, “is complaining about my love life being healthy because I haven’t received one?.

“Men ain’t sh*t” has become a mantra women have grown comfortably chanting, and it’s a movement I can’t get behind. If my vibe is solely great dinner dates and chill, so be it. Declining every dinner date because a Rolex isn’t the first declaration of admiration will leave one miserable and bored. I’m currently in New York City, deemed one of the most challenging places on Earth to date. While we are admired for our spontaneity in daily activity, we are also notorious for the ghosting in dating. While deemed unfortunate, I find peace in it. There have been several occasions I’ve seen a man being courted then never hear from them again. Though it hurts momentarily, I’ve grown to live in the moment and enjoy.

For a long time, I let my self-esteem fluctuate based on the amounts of dates I was asked on and the callback, only to realize everything is about perspective. It’s similar to going on a job interview. Though you didn’t get the job, it was nice to learn more about the position. Who knows, you may interview elsewhere and receive way more incentives than anticipated. I mean, we are all evolving beings placed on this Earth to learn about ourselves while learning about others and how to form bonds.

The desire for permanency in a relationship can blind you to the opportunities for effortless fun. But here’s the daunting question after years of fun, “When is enough enough?

Great question; I haven’t reached that place yet, but great question. We yearn for relationships too quickly for my taste. Being on the road to “self-love,” I genuinely see the importance of loving yourself first. I would never sit here and tell someone to ignore dating to love themselves nor say to a person to isolate.

The journey of self-love is deeper than self-esteem and loving your shiny parts. It’s digging deep to see your blemished areas and love them. It’s not the space to ignore your demons and only showcase your beauty. Dating is a dance we usually use only to show our potential partner our good side. It takes a while to warm up, and remember you’re solely human to let your guard down and just be.

Self-love is being aware of your codependency issues and trying your best not to be triggered. Self-love is knowing you have abandonment issues and trying not to push this person away subconsciously is from fear of being left first. Self-love is trying to use your words when you don’t like something because you’re healing your insecurities. Women isolate their winning personalities and not-so-lovable traits, which havoc in their dating lives. I find you would idolize the person you’re dating and toss them when you recognize a flaw.

I do not think anyone should tolerate ill behavior, but slight imperfections aren’t cool to discard someone.

Have women forgotten the importance of flaws and all? Beyonce touched on this if you need a reference. It’s okay to have standards while living in the moment. As much as I fantasize about bae-cations with my person, I think women need to embrace freedom more. I’ve witnessed women meet a man and suddenly plan their wedding and have no idea his last name. At the same time, the same man is admiring her physical beauty and thinking about the restaurant he wants to take her to.

This man is also probably trying to pencil in seeing the other woman he met last week into his schedule. This woman has now monopolized her time her a man who wouldn’t and isn’t doing the same for her. Do you see where things are already going wrong? I admire us, women; we love to think we are the end all be all when a man is present. “How can you upgrade me? What’s higher than number one?”

But newsflash, there are many number ones out here. Keep this mindset but never tie yourself to making him only one. There will be many articles out there telling you to forget this person and move on. I challenge you to learn how to place people on a shelf. You may have one guy that's good at taking you on exciting dates and always make time for you, which is excellent. This is the one, right? WRONG. I don’t want to confuse anyone and think I’m promoting playing games; I’ve never been one for that.

I am a huge advocate for putting yourself first and understanding the concept of dating because men sure do. Another mistake that happens too often is the *cue horror music*, friends with benefits. Eek. The land of friends with benefits isn’t for the weak-hearted or those who think this can merge into a relationship. Sex is fantastic, we all can agree. Friends with benefits is a simple concept. You find a person you’re attracted to, and then you bang, no strings attached. The first two checkpoints are usually easy to find; the last one is ignored. This is a topic for another time.

So what have we learned? You deserve to be happy. Not receiving a luxury gift on the first date doesn’t diminish your worth. He’s not your man until he welcomes you into a relationship. You don’t have to be loved for only your beautiful traits but learn how to tame your blemishes. Love your first. Friends with benefits isn’t a way to manipulate a relationship. Drink your water and keep reading my articles. :)



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Tiara Mitchell

Tiara Mitchell

Author of “The Heart’s Patchwork:Poetry for Self Love” Available on Amazon Kindle. NYC Writer| TiaraMitchell.com